Thursday, May 02, 2013

I walk the line




Lately I have been talking the talk. Out loud, to other people even. I have been buying clothes that fit and flatter. I have been posting body positive images and articles on my facebook. I have been taking back the words fat, chubby, chunky. I have been scolding my husband when he has moments of body image bullshit. Great right?

Until today. I busted out the scale and weighed myself and saw that all the weight I had lost, every single pound is back. I think I had held on to that last 5 pound ideal and it was allowing me to be OK with what I was. And that is fat. I worked so fucking hard to lose that weight. It was in a time when everything else was spinning out of control, and I was victorious in this one aspect of control. I looked amazing. Everyone said so. Then when things got easier, I eased up. I was getting scary skinny (even now the idea of that thrills me!) and had been told. So I let in some ice cream. My personal kyrptonite. And I evened out. For a few years I held on in this wonderful mid-weight status. Yet never feeling super comfortable.

Then the pain began. I really should preface this by saying I've always had back pain. And hip pain. And other pains, but for a while there, back when things were rotten I self medicated with a heaping helping of THC. In fact, I'd probably still indulge if it didn't give me the all-mightiest case of anxiety and paranoia. All good things must come to an end. So, when that happened, we after years of tests/chiro/physio/everything else, determined that I had the PAIN. Or fibromyalgia. Whatever. But it meant taking drugs that caused weight gain. And I'm embarrassed to admit I held out for months because of this. But in the end common sense, and overwhelming pain won out and here I am. It wasn't an easy road to walk, we had to tweak, change and mess around with the what feels like the giant handful of drugs I take everyday, and when we did I'd gain some weight. My Dr and I have have a pretty great relationship, he listens to me. And sometimes we conspire to see if I can lessen  any of the drugs I take. Then I gain weight. Then I gain weight.

I am straight up not gonna lie and be all, no I only eat fallen fruits and unicorn dreams. But I haven't significantly changed my diet except to eat more fruit (because I read on weight watchers you can eat all the fruit you want. FUCKING RIGHT?) and I eat more rice now. But it has been the same as the last few years.  I have been slowing down because PAIN. And I was ok with that. Until today when that scale was all..... HAI FATTY. The talk I've been talking doesn't feel like the walk I've been walking. I'm all BODY POSITIVE! ACCEPTANCE!! but I feel like a failure, cause my mouth has been writing cheques my ass can't cash.

3 comments:

christine said...

Oh man, girl. They gotta legalize that stuff so they can tinker with it openly and cut the paranoia and other bad effect :( I can't imagine what it's like to live everyday with pain. What can they do, is it only pain relief they are able to treat it with? Or can they do things to treat the issues directly?

Anita Ackerman said...

I get this. Because when I see fat acceptance stuff I'm always like "Woohoo! You go girl!" as long as that girl isn't me. Which is ridiculous.
Boo pain.
Sweet kitten, I hope you can find peace in your mind. And painlessness in your everything.

karen said...

Christine, if we lived where they have medical marijuana dispensaries, they have stuff that deals with everything I have complaints about. unfortunately here, you get what you get. if I had a compassionate dealer maybe? phbbbbbt.:(