I walk the line

Lately I have been talking the talk. Out loud, to other people even. I have been buying clothes that fit and flatter. I have been posting body positive images and articles on my facebook. I have been taking back the words fat, chubby, chunky. I have been scolding my husband when he has moments of body image bullshit. Great right?

Until today. I busted out the scale and weighed myself and saw that all the weight I had lost, every single pound is back. I think I had held on to that last 5 pound ideal and it was allowing me to be OK with what I was. And that is fat. I worked so fucking hard to lose that weight. It was in a time when everything else was spinning out of control, and I was victorious in this one aspect of control. I looked amazing. Everyone said so. Then when things got easier, I eased up. I was getting scary skinny (even now the idea of that thrills me!) and had been told. So I let in some ice cream. My personal kyrptonite. And I evened out. For a few years I held on in this wonderful mid-weight status. Yet never feeling super comfortable.

Then the pain began. I really should preface this by saying I've always had back pain. And hip pain. And other pains, but for a while there, back when things were rotten I self medicated with a heaping helping of THC. In fact, I'd probably still indulge if it didn't give me the all-mightiest case of anxiety and paranoia. All good things must come to an end. So, when that happened, we after years of tests/chiro/physio/everything else, determined that I had the PAIN. Or fibromyalgia. Whatever. But it meant taking drugs that caused weight gain. And I'm embarrassed to admit I held out for months because of this. But in the end common sense, and overwhelming pain won out and here I am. It wasn't an easy road to walk, we had to tweak, change and mess around with the what feels like the giant handful of drugs I take everyday, and when we did I'd gain some weight. My Dr and I have have a pretty great relationship, he listens to me. And sometimes we conspire to see if I can lessen  any of the drugs I take. Then I gain weight. Then I gain weight.

I am straight up not gonna lie and be all, no I only eat fallen fruits and unicorn dreams. But I haven't significantly changed my diet except to eat more fruit (because I read on weight watchers you can eat all the fruit you want. FUCKING RIGHT?) and I eat more rice now. But it has been the same as the last few years.  I have been slowing down because PAIN. And I was ok with that. Until today when that scale was all..... HAI FATTY. The talk I've been talking doesn't feel like the walk I've been walking. I'm all BODY POSITIVE! ACCEPTANCE!! but I feel like a failure, cause my mouth has been writing cheques my ass can't cash.

licorice rainbows ain't always fallin' at my feet......

As part of my ever expanding list of hobbies/shit I like to do, I am trying my hand at some new to me stuff.

 It's pretty gratifying to pop out a finished product in an afternoon.

Of course I do need to mount them, and deciding on that is fairly tough, hence all the loose bits of paper all over the house.


I can almost feel spring on it's way. Despite the giant piles of snow that come and go, and the enormous amounts of little doggy foot prints that dot my white kitchen floor (again I ask, WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?) I can almost see the spring. We've kept our red Christmas lights up on our front window, and while I do love them, I think I need to pull them down and get something lighter up there. Oops, I just remembered, we bought new windows this weekend. And while they won't be in for 4-6 weeks, I reckon the lights should still come down and make way for a brighter room. Also: I won't be doing any window washing. Why bother?

Maybe next year .... maybe no go

How I love finding old music to revitalise my playlist (right now named kittykatboogie, fuck I have got to re-name that) when it gets stale. The whole Duran Duran catalog? Brings back memories of goofy dances and head movements not done since I was in gr 10. Muscle memory is pretty amazing isn't it? I'm trying to learn the concertina, and have learned 4 whole songs (terribly) that include such crowd favourites as Frere' Jacques. Don't expect my greatest hits just yet.

 Being alone is something I've been dealing with for sometime now. It's not usual for me to spend so much time by myself, Chris and I are constant companions. I know how lucky I am. I actually really enjoy my own company (and the dogs of course, they make me less crazy when I'm talking to them not myself right??) and have a myriad of ways to entertain myself. I love the thrill of new hobbies, the newness not rubbed off by familiarity. I have some new things I'm trying out (besides the concertina) to see what sticks. I do love my fibre stuff, but am having some RSI issues. Exacerbated by my gaming habit. I mean who the fuck gets video game elbow? Me. le sigh.

I've discovered I love reading crafty blogs, I have even got a little book beside the compy to write down the stuff I want to copy/imitate/rip off so I don't forget them. It's even more awesome when I remember actually to use it

I'm having some fibro shit lately, and some things my sweet seeester in law calls "stinkin' thinkin'" are creeping around my mind-head-brain. I'm doing my best to kick them to the curb and an infusion of 80's tunes is a good non-medicinal way to start. Blargh I am tired of this whiny bullshit.

This year I am intending to keep my hair one colour for the whole year (not done since I was maybe 13 or 14 SO LIKE 30 YEARS OMG OLD) so I have wisely chosen pink. It's fucking amazing how many people feel the need to comment on it. Little old ladies LOVE it. Like I had a rinse accident. People who I never would have thought, come right up to me to tell me how much they like it. Never a bad thing to get strokes from strangers. DIRTY. Also, I'm trying to keep a gratitude journal beside my bed. Every night I force myself to write something that I am thankful for/is awesome/why my first world problems are so truly minimal in the grand scheme of things. Some nights are much harder than others to actually find something. I need some re-assessment skills stat. :/

Happy Valentines Day to everyone who reads this. Remember that you are loved, you are beautiful and you are amazing. You really are.

Drinking white wine in the sun.......

This is my first Christmas with no parents. A true Christmas orphan. I've not been big on Christmas for a while now. I have my reasons, I really do. This year feels different. Lonelier. I have no Mum or Dad to brainstorm the perfect gift for. So I keep buying stuff to keep that feeling at bay. Like I can buy my way through this season into the new year. Which I imagine will be all bright and shiny and full of happy, even though I know it will look just like the day before.

Don't get me wrong, I have my tiny family here, to keep me full of cheer. Hey! That rhymed! And I have an invite to see all my other huge family that I don't know at all, who would be really happy to see me, which is weird, but I think is cool. I'm so blue though, I don't want to infect anyone else with that colour. It seems terribly contagious, so I back out of things I should be moving forward into. Time moves by so quickly yet drags on into minutes.

I miss my Dad. I miss my Mum. I miss Max. But time will march on, and even though it's hard to see this keyboard that has suddenly gone all watery and blurry, I know I will feel better eventually. My Husband and Son will help with that. But right now I feel like a little kid.

I'll do it my way

10 rules helpful suggestions for living the good life.

1. Don't hold grudges. If it's about something you can't resolve you can either let IT go, or let the relationship go. Nothing is worse than letting jerks live rent free in your head.
2. Travel. Even if it is in your own backyard. Go somewhere new. try some food you haven't tried. Go be a tourist unashamedly.
3. Say yes to opportunity. It's easier to say no to things that are slightly (or hugely) new and a little scary.
4. Say no to things that make you unhappy. Don't make lame excuses, just politely but firmly decline.
5. Walk somewhere. Go look at trees and flowers or even other people at least once in a while. 
6. Do something nice for someone else. Hold a door, buy some flowers, pay for the guy behind you in lines coffee. 
7. Have a pet. Even a fish or plant Talk to them. Give some love, get some love. 
8. Have a hobby. Collect stamps, knit, do Sudoku, do something you enjoy every day.
9. Make something by hand. Doesn't matter how small, make it with your own digits. 
10. Walk around with a smile on your face. A positive outlook becomes a habit when you do this. Try not to look too deranged. A small Buddhist half smile is a good start.  

 BONUS SUGGESTION
          Fake it until you make it.

These are of course only as helpful as you want them to be. Your mileage may vary.

I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm gonna be OK.

I don't make New Year Resolutions. Never have, don't think ever will. BUT: this year I did do something rather out of character for me. I made a plan. A plan to become 10% more awesome by next year. Now that seems pretty loosey goosey right? Well tough tits, it is. I'm going to try to start a list of things I have done to try to achieve that rather gossamer pledge. And since I am stupid enough to forget to do this from the beginning of the year, this will be in no particular order and will encompass mine and everybody else recollections of it. 



-took candy to a pal who needed it. Really needed it. Dumb right? I doubt I would have done this a year ago. It would have gotten pushed to the "man I should have done that!" pile.

-found out my Barista's names. Besides Joel that is. I love them all those boys of coffee.
-ran up when my brother was struggling at my Dad's funeral and finished his eulogy for him. I wish I done it earlier, but the point is that I did it.
-learning more about being a Vegan from my sweet Christine that doesn't include me going on about butter. I have made leaps and bounds with this.
-self hair care. I used to do this, but have stopped in these many years. Now I am trying to go a full year without pro help with a fairly fresh (shaved it bald Jan 1) palette. Which is why I now have a half shaved head with hot pink hair. No way would Tam let me do this. On a different note, I think I should have been born with pink hair.
-learned to walk away NOT mad. Letting go of anger in the heat of it, is something I am really working on.
-learned to cross stitch again.Nasty sweary cross stitch. Oh yeah.
-set unloved fibre and yarn loose in the world for others to love. More of this to come too.

this is a work in progress.....

There is always something there to remind me....

More Dad memories

-he and my Uncle Jim got drunk setting up my dollhouse for my 3rd Christmas. My Mum was worried that it wouldn't be done, but it was. Santa drank ALL the Rye and ginger that year!
-he bought Birkenstocks when we first moved to Calgary and he came for a visit. He still had them when we were cleaning out his place last month. He also had shoes he got from my Uncle Jim when he died 20+ years ago. Oh Pops, shoe hoarder extraordinaire!





It was Lily's arbitrary birthday this last Canada Day. We had no idea when her b-day was just somewhere around then, so it seemed fitting to make it a holiday. Happy 3rd my girl!